Celiac Sucks

Yup, I said it. Celiac disease sucks. Again, I do NOT have a horridly debilitating disease. I don't have cancer or MS or lupus or COPD. But, still, I just want to whine for a while. Celiac disease sucks.

See, you really can't eat anything. If you have gluten sensitivity--which means you and gluten are not good friends--then you really shouldn't eat gluten. You should definitely not eat bread or pasta or cereal or crackers. You can't have regular pizza crust. But, if a crumb or two drop on your food, say, you'd still be okay. Maybe a bit "tooty" (my mom's word and I love it), but okay.

If you have celiac disease, well, you need to avoid gluten like it is poison. Actually, if you have celiac disease, gluten is poison to you. The problem is, there is not this recognized problem, like there is with other allergies, like peanuts. Honestly, peanuts and shellfish are the only allergies I know of that EVERYBODY knows about. If you say you have a nut allergy, people are super-duper careful about touching your food. I have friends whose children have dairy allergies the same way, and I feel so bad for them, first because they are kids and second because I don't think many people realize you can have a dairy ALLERGY. So, like not having MS, I don't have the kind of allergy where I will swell up and die immediately. And, that's nice.

However, celiac disease (and, therefore gluten) does kill you. It just takes its time. It wears my small colon down and creates holes where toxins leak into my system and makes my anti-bodies attack my own body parts. So, it would be nice if people took my food and disease as seriously as they do a peanut allergy. They just don't.

I get it. I mean, I don't know anything about sooooo many allergies, illnesses, and diseases. Until it comes to you, it's not something you need to know about. But, man, it's frustrating. For instance, did you know there's an allowable amount of gluten in foods that the FDA says, "Sure, go ahead and write 'Gluten Free' on there anyway!"? What kind of crap is that? The FDA would never let a "little bit" of shellfish be in something! And shellfish is not something that you'd add to a food. It doesn't hold stuff together or thicken it or act as an agent for distilling vinegar or Vitamin D.

Gluten, however, is in EVERYTHING. I'm serious. EVERYTHING. It's in ketchup, Simply Lemonade, gum, seasoning salt, cheese, lunch meat, prepared fruits (like apple slices), chips, candy, flavored beverages (thank God it's not in Pepsi), the list goes on.

And let's not forget the stuff that my body THINKS is gluten. Oh yeah, there's that, too. There's stuff called carrageenan, that we Celiacs call "gluten of the sea". It is actually a sea weed, and it's put in non-dairy things in lieu of gluten. You know, because most Celiacs also have a dairy intolerance of some kind (I do. It's not lactose, though, because lactose free stuff has the same effect on me as dairy with lactose. Dairy and I have regretfully had to end our relationship.) So, companies are trying to be sensitive to gluten problems when they make non-dairy items (like sour "cream", almond milk "ice cream", "cheese", coffee "creamers", Cool Whip), and they add carrageenan to hold everything together. Unfortunately, they may as well add a whole piece of bread, because my body thinks it's the same stuff. So, no non-dairy items, either. My body thinks the same of soy, MSG, and artificial sweeteners. "What?" my body says. "That's not gluten? Are you sure? I'm going to freak out and make you sick anyway." Sucks.


Then, there's the crumb issue. Again, I don't picture people dropping a little piece of shellfish on someone's salad or letting bits of peanuts be on the counter when they're cutting up someone's meal. No one would spread peanut oil on a grill and then serve someone that food saying, "Oh, a little bit won't hurt you." But, I get that all the time. ALL THE TIME. "Oh, a little bit won't hurt you, will it?" Yup.

The other day, I went to a very trusted restaurant with Eric. It's one of the few places in Northern Michigan I'm willing to go, and that's because they MAKE all of their own food. I've eaten this exact same meal a dozen times and not gotten sick. However, the other day, I ordered my meal, and they put seasoning on my french fries. They baked them (because if my fries are fried in oil that something with gluten--like chicken tenders or onion rings--have been friend in, I get sick), but then they put seasoning on them. Now, most places I don't even order fries, because the fries come to the restaurant frozen with a coating on them (yup, you guessed it--gluten). But, this place cuts their own fries and is willing to bake them for me, instead of frying them. So, like I said, they baked them, but, unfortunately, they must have thought they'd be tasteless, so they seasoned them. I didn't even eat one. I asked the waitress if the fries were seasoned. All those things did was sit on the plate with my pulled pork. I DIDN'T EVEN EAT ONE. I moved my pulled pork to a new plate, but it was too late. Half an hour after eating, I got sick at Meijer. So stupid.

So, please, please don't be offended when I won't eat your food. Because maybe you didn't wash your hands well enough or maybe there was a crumb on the counter or maybe the knife you used had residual gluten from a previous meal that didn't quite get washed off in the dishwasher. I seriously have to be that careful. Don't be offended. Even my mother, bless her sweet heart, tries to get me to eat food that doesn't come from my house. Ummm, nope. Not doing it. Unless my husband made the food, I'm not eating it (we all know he's the excellent chef and I'm just, uh, so-so). I won't even eat fruit salad or cut up cucumber or chips. I'm just not eating your food. It's nothing personal. It's just that, well, Celiac sucks. And I'm not taking the risk anymore.