Not Exactly Insomnia

It is true that, at times, I wake in the night. Now, if you're my Facebook friend, you know that, MANY NIGHTS, I am awakened by my youngest, who--for whatever reason--is fond of sleeping on our floor. Actually, she'd rather crawl back inside my womb and sleep THERE, or at least in my bed, but the most I'll tolerate is the floor. I've tried to break her of this habit, but I've resigned myself to just believe that she won't be 32-years-old, curled up in a ball on the carpet next to me. I hope. Anyway, I digress.

At times, I just plain WAKE UP. All on my own. Sometimes I've had a weird dream, sometimes I've had too much caffeine during the day, sometimes I think I've heard the kids or the dogs or a violent murderer in the garage. Whatever it is that wakes me isn't important. The point is, once I'm awake, my brain starts in.

Oh, this brain. It's great, really, it is. I mean, I'm fond of its sense of humor, I'm glad it has the talent of writing, it has some really great thoughts once in a while. But, geez, couldn't it take a little BREAK once in a while? Couldn't my brain actually REST?? Because, you see, once I'm awake, the brain starts thinking about things. About ALL the things. And worrying. And planning. And listing. And it just won't let me lie there. No, no. Nay, nay. I shall not be allowed the "turn over and go back to sleep." Nope, if it's not my kids or my dogs keeping me up, it is my very own brain. One night, way back in November, I wrote down on Notes on my phone all the things I thought about or did. I knew I wanted to blog about it sometime--because it happens a lot and is so incredibly ridiculous--but I was hoping that it wouldn't have to be THAT night. I was hoping just noting everything would make it acceptable for my brain to sleep a bit.

Now that I check my notes again, I see that, THIS TIME, I was awakened by the tiny, adorable, irresistible parasite who sleeps next to me. She needed water. So, I went to get her some water. When I left the bedroom, the dogs followed me out, because who doesn't enjoy a cold adventure at 2:00am? So, I let the dogs out.

As I watched them go down the steps, I saw that Carolina's nearly-15-year-old hip was still giving her trouble. She hesitated at the top step, waddled down that one, waddled down the next one, and I pictured her pointy face pinched in pain. I wondered what we could do to help her. Did she need a ramp? Should we give her pain medication? Would a trip to the vet help, or was this just the inevitable results of being hit by a car when she was four? Then, I thought about the blanket she'd been lying on in her cage. We'd had to start keeping her in a cage during the day, so she wouldn't pee in the kids' bedrooms (bless her sweet heart, she never pees in our room!).

I walked to her cage and bent to pull out the blanket and thought, "Man, my belly hurts!" I wondered what the heck it could be. I reviewed in my mind what I'd eaten that day. Nothing out of the ordinary. I hadn't eaten anything that wasn't from my house, so I didn't think I'd been "accidentally glutened". What could it be? When was my last period?

I checked the calendar. I couldn't find the LP with a circle on it from the month before. Great. So it could be a period, it could not be a period, who would know? Stinks being a grown woman, done with conceiving children, and still having the period of a fifteen-year-old. As I stood and stared at the calendar, I realized what day the Superhero Messy Church would be (Messy Church--kind of like youth group for your whole family--is always the first Sunday of the month). THE SAME DAY AS DANIEL'S BIRTHDAY PARTY. Great. So, the Messy Church that Ben would love and the birthday party of one of Ben's best friends were on the same day?! How would we deal with that?

I started to walk back to bed. But, as I went out of the kitchen, there was fluff (read: dog hair) in the corners in the kitchen. So gross. I bent down and picked it up. Ugh, Still belly pain. As I was throwing out the dog fur, I mean "fluff", I noticed the bag from the flax seed in the trash. Had I put flax seed on the shopping list? Over to the pen container I went, searched desperately for a pen, and settled for a highlighter (why we have a highlighter but no pens is beyond me). I wrote flax seed on a scrap of paper and stuck it to the fridge above the water dispenser. Water did sound good. I went to my bedroom--where both dogs and Becca were now sleeping soundly--and grabbed my glass. Got myself some water. Great, now I had to pee.

I went to the little bathroom in the laundry room. No toilet paper. Great. Went to wash my hands...no soap!

I went to our bathroom. For crying out sideways--we needed toilet paper in, like, EVERY bathroom! I went to the linen closet and grabbed several rolls of toilet paper. I put two in every bathroom upstairs (three of them) and two in the downstairs bathroom.  As long as I was supplying bathrooms, I'd better fill the soap. What had I done with the soap? I checked above the kitchen sink, below the laundry room sink, below the bathroom sink, in our bathroom linen closet... Finally found it with the laundry supplies. Belly pain. Ugh. Maybe I had too much Kombucha. Is that possible?

I filled the soap in three bathrooms and thought, "Hey, did we make Ben's lunch? We don't want to have to do that in the morning." As I checked the fridge for his lunch (yup!), I saw the cookies Eric had made me for conferences. Hhmmm. Maybe the belly pain was from the giant Pepsi and Reese's Peanut Butter Cup blossoms? Sure felt like a period.

Thinking of the period made me think of the calendar, which made me think of Emma's next counselor appointment. Had I written it on the calendar? I went to check. Nope. Hadn't written it down. I checked my phone for the date, and then thought, "I need to call Lisa tomorrow about Emma's neck." Speaking of Lisa, when was her birthday? Had I missed it? Wasn't it the END of November? We really should get together. Crap.I hadn't called Radiology either, which Lisa wanted me to do for ME.

I made some reminders on my phone. While making the reminders, I saw the "Find My iPhone" app. I thought, "I wonder if I can put the 'Find My Friends' app on my iPod touches at school? Oh, and I need to figure out how to get the charging port fixed on that one." More reminders on my phone. Oh, oh, oh, I feel like I'm going to have...

I ran to the bathroom. Good news, it was a period. Well, good to know. I got myself all settled and went to write it down on the calendar. Had I reordered my Dr. Nielsen meds? Better put THAT in a reminder on my phone.

Good Lord, it was 2:40 now. I might as well open a Gluten Free Doughnut Shop if I was going to be up at 2:40.

I went back to my bed to lie down. I snugglde into the covers, put my hand on Eric's shoulder, told my brain to knock it off. But then I thought, "I should check Emma's neck." (She had injured it during cheerleading.) No, no. Go. To. Sleep.

Suddenly, I heard a sneeze, and a light turned on. Ben was up, going to the bathroom. He sneezed again. I should really check his temperature. This is the time of year he always gets sick...

I checked his temp--99 degrees--tucked him in, and went to check on Em's neck. She was splayed across the bed like roadkill. I don't know how she sleeps like that. I nudged her, just to make sure she was responsive. She swatted at me and groaned. Good; no problems there.

Back to bed again. Snuggled into the covers again. Put my hand on Eric's shoulder again. 3:00. If I went to sleep right now I could get another two and a half hours. Ready, set...sleep! Had I written down the LP on the calendar?...

And that, my friends, is why I NEED coffee.