My friend, I'll call her Katie, isn't pregnant. Lots of people aren't pregnant, and that's okay. But, Katie isn't pregnant, and that is FAR from okay. It is horrible.
It's not okay, because she and her husband have been trying to get pregnant on and off for twelve years. TWELVE YEARS. You can raise an almost-teenager in that time.
It's not okay, because they saved up all their money and made a GoFundMe account and went through invitro. She took a bunch of medications and had to have her pumped-up eggs EXTRACTED (and I know most of us have no idea what that feels like). Then they had to wait and see how many would fertilize. Waiting is impossible, if you don't know this already. Waiting, when there is not one damn thing you can do.
So, six fertilized. SIX!! And for a brief, beautiful, sunshiney moment, Katie could imagine having a baby, maybe having two babies, had the potential for SIX babies. She even posted a microscopic picture of them, her beautiful, fertilized embryos.
Then--yes there's more--she had to have two embryos implanted in her womb. Again, not many of us know the pleasure of this procedure. I'm sure it's uncomfortable, if not painful, and filled with both jubilation and terror.
A few days later, Katie found out that the rest of her embryos could not be saved. So, we all know what this means, right? Better work this time. No second chances.
Then more waiting. Sitting, trying to keep her womb still, eating healthy foods, trying not to "stress" over the what-ifs. Waiting.
So, I now have a bone to pick with God. Because, honestly, I just don't get it. Katie is a wonderful person, she works with kids with special needs, she is the friendliest, most spunky person you'll ever meet. Her husband is one of those quiet, slow speaking, kind, southern gentlemen. These people can't have a baby because...why??
It didn't work. Just like all of the other medications and procedures Katie has put herself through, this DIDN'T WORK.
I am so mad. And so hurt for them. And so irate. And beaten down by the futility of it all. I have been through this same junk, though not nearly to the extent they have. But just the few years, the minimal procedures we went through? Nearly killed me. Nearly killed our marriage.
As I am working on my novel, coincidentally about a couple's journey through infertility, I think about all the people I know, all the wonderful couples who go through this same nightmare. Let me say to all of you--we're here for you. There are more of you out there than you know. I don't know why people don't talk about infertility, why they keep their "trying" and miscarriages and negative pregnancy tests month-after-month a secret. Keeping quiet just makes us feel more responsible, like somehow one of us in the relationship is failing the other.
Those of you who've never been down this road: we don't hate you. Sure, we're a little jealous when you get "accidentally" pregnant on your honeymoon, but we don't wish you any of this mess. We don't curse you. Maybe we curse God a little bit; but we don't curse you. However, please, please, think before you speak. All you need to say, just like any other kind of senseless death or tragedy in someone's life, is "I'm so sorry." No pep talks, no advice. Just a hug, prayers, and heartfelt sympathy.
Katie, I'm so sorry, sweetie. I'm so very, very sorry.
I am a wife, mother of three, elementary teacher, daughter, and friend. I have been a writer for a long time, now I'm just willing to let people be the readers!
I have fought a similar battle and questioned the ways of God, and my religion.
ReplyDeleteI am not sure if you remember, but while attending Inland Lakes as a child; I believe while attending your Multi-age class; my grandfather was diagnosed with ALS. I attended church with my grandmother and aunt regularly. My grandfather was also a lead preacher for this church.
He was a man of few words to us as children, but he adored our family and his line of work. Our small town of Indian River loved him dearly.
I still to this day wonder.. 'why'.. Why him, why was my family as well as him but through the terror, the anxiety.. patiently just waiting for this disease to run its course and take our beloved grandfather away...
But as I aged, I became a firm believer in "Everything happens for a reason". My grandmother suffered a deep depression for almost 10 years. But today, she is an energetic, recharged, and loving woman acting as if she is in her prime.
Although I should not, I do still question why.. rather it is against religion or not. But maybe God was protecting him from something worse. Maybe we were supposed to go through what he had for a reason. Life is what you make..
Rather Katie and her husband are not meant to be together, or maybe there is some life event they need to travel before they experience the beauty of pregnancy, I do not know. But I will say, I pray for them. I pray they stay strong through this and know everything happens for a reason. There is a greater good watching out for them as hard as it may be to believe..
Much Love,
Nicolette