The Born Loser

I have been thinking about looking into making a reality TV show about our life, or my life, specifically. I think I would call it "The Born Loser." It would cover all the dumb decisions I make that flop, and then I wouldn't have to blog about them. Okay, yes, this is a bit of a pity party, but wait 'til you see the list.

1. The Honeymoon: Eric told me he could get married and attend a honeymoon during the span of one week in July in 2005 (he was taking on-line classes for his master's degree; it wasn't that he was being a jerk). So, I scheduled our tiny wedding and made the plans for our honeymoon. We are woodsy people, so I decided we would go even further "up north" (since we live in the place most people refer to as "up north"). This may seem hard to imagine now, but there wasn't a lot one could do on-line then. So, I used a yahoo search and found what I thought was an adorable cabin on a small lake, which would include the use of a rowboat, bicycles, kayaks, and provided breakfast. There was a lake view out what I thought was the front window, and it looked perfect. So, we drove to Munising, MI in the dark after our wedding... And found out that we were staying above someone's garage. And the "lake" (pond) view was out the side where the steps were coming up. And no person in his/her right mind would use the rowboat or the bicycles or the kayaks because the pond/lake was nasty and the black flies were so horrid they would have carried us away. Operation Honeymoon: fail.

2. The Dollhouse: For Christmas when Emma was in kindergarten, I decided we should get her an elaborate dollhouse. Again, I used the then-limited internet, and found a beautiful, three story, spiral staircased, gingerbread gabled dollhouse. On-line, it was exquisite. In real life, it had about forty parts. On Christmas Eve, Eric and I read and reread and reread the directions, and finally figured the bugger out. We covered it in paper and hid it in our bedroom, so we could slide it out as the finishing touch on a perfect Christmas. Later that day, we would go to Saginaw, where Eric's family had purchased furniture for the dollhouse as Emma's gifts. It would be perfect. So, we had opened stockings, eaten breakfast, opened all our gifts and then, finally, slid out the giant present. "Huuuuuuh," Emma gasped, "a shelf for my nutcrackers!" My stomach hit the dirt. When she opened it, bless her five-year-old heart, Em tried to feign interest. In reality, she never once liked that $150 thing. It clogged up a whole wall of her bedroom and then sat in our basement for years, collecting dust and hoping some child would come along who actually liked dolls. Sometimes Becca plays with it now, but it was never the fabulous, hours of enjoyment I'd hoped it would be. Operation dollhouse: fail.

3. The Swingset: Poor Emma has been the recipient of more than one of my own, personal childhood dreams (see "The Dollhouse"). When she turned six, we had recently purchased a new home with a huge yard, which had the world's greatest spot for a swingset. So, I begged and pleaded and pouted and we ordered the swingset. What should have taken a few hours took my dad, Eric and me several weekends to construct. When we were done, there was a gorgeous wooden swingset with a single swing, a slide, a double swing, a "fort" and a sandbox. It was wonderful. Emma hated it. Again, we have photos of her perched atop the slide with that same teeth-gritted "smile" that she wore when she unwrapped her dollhouse. She dutifully went in the swings two or three times, and then the poor thing slowly rotted as it waited for someone to come play. This time, it was about $500, and I still had not learned my lesson. The best laid plans of Laura Hall do not turn out. Operation Swingset: fail.

4. The Scy-Phone: This one was just dumb from the beginning. If you don't know about my cheapness, you don't know me. It is legendary. I will hunt for the deal, nevermind the "quality". If I think I can get it cheaper, look out. So, I wanted to be able to send photos and videos via text. But, I didn't want (and neither did Eric) to sign up for an iPhone. This was before everyone and their 11-year-old child had one. So, I started researching phones on Amazon with cameras that could film video. It wasn't before Amazon, but it was before every phone had a camera. I found this great deal. Seriously, I don't learn my lesson on stuff. It was called a Scy-Phone, and came from (please don't tell my grandmother, may she rest in peace) China. Yes, I said China. So, um, when it came...it was all in Chinese. And the games were like iPhone games, but Chinese (think of candy crush with sushi). And it worked for abooooooouuuuuut... three days. Okay, maybe three weeks. Then, it just... didn't. Believe it or not, I was genuinely shocked. I couldn't understand why a phone from China that cost one-fifteenth the price of a real iPhone might be a piece of crap. Operation Video Camera Phone: fail.

5. The Rock Speakers: This one was going to be great. I mean really, really great. Eric always thinks of fantastic presents that people don't even know they want until they open them. I always try to find something good, but usually end up with socks and underwear. But this time, this time, the present was going to be great. For only about $150, I ordered two outdoor, wireless, weatherproof speakers which would look like rocks. Eric could put them outside by the patio or near the deck, put his iPhone on the holder in the house, and enjoy music outside!! Yay! When he opened them, I think Eric actually was pleased. He read the materials, charged the speakers, put them outside, and looked forward to using them. Except, they sucked. They wouldn't hold a charge. And they would stop playing for no reason. And they weren't really weatherproof. Eric even contacted the company and had them send out new ones. Nope, they still sucked. So, now we have two fake rocks sitting on the desk in Eric's office. Almost like they're sticking their rock tongues out at me. Rock Speakers: fail.

6. The Lockers: By now, you're starting to think I'm making this stuff up, but it's real. Ask my family, they're here for all of it. Speaking of my family, number six was for them. Our house is huge and beautiful, but does not have a good area for boots and shoes and backpacks and coats and mittens and gloves... especially for five people, three of whom are CHILDREN. We tried hooks and baskets and other ideas in the house, but we really needed lockers. Every few months or so, I would rip a page out of a magazine and say to Eric, "What do you think of these?" He would nod, but I think he knew I know absolutely zippo about building, so he was not concerned. Well, one day, I jumped. My parents had taken the kids for the night (we were supposed to be spending a relaxing night at their cabin on the river) and I said, "Let's go buy those big locker things I saw at Lowe's." Eric and I spent the next Lord Knows How Many hours putting together these white laminate closets. We didn't put the doors on, and we installed rods in two spots. When we were done, there were four "lockers" in our garage. Yay, right? Wrong. The Littles couldn't use hangers, so they would just toss their coats on the ground in front of their lockers. Somehow, it was always too hard for everybody to put their shoes in their lockers, so the shoes would all end up in a pile in front of the steps (adjacent to the pile of coats). And the mice. Did I mention the lockers are in the garage? Yes, the garage. So, wild animals like mice and chipmunks greatly appreciate the toasty pockets and nesty shoe holes. We have all put on a pair of shoes or boots only to whip them off and pour out acorns, sunflower seeds, and tiny turds. Also, any type of fleece is seen as something to chew and then use as fluff in their nests, so my elegant, red Land's End coat now has a "rippled" bottom (half-chewed). Lockers: fail.

7. The Toys: I have tried many different strategies here, and have yet to not fail. When we first bought the house, we made a room downstairs the "playroom". Emma was afraid to go down and use it. Then, I used those cute fabric baskets to hold everyone's toys, with little labels on them. Nope. I took all the clothes out of the closet and put garage-type racks inside the closet with containers for each type of toy (Ninja Turtles, puzzles, babies, etc.). Nope. They never played with them. I put the dressers inside the closet and moved the toys/racks out into their bedrooms, so they could SEE all their toys. They just took everything out and never put it away. I installed wire racks in the closet and put all of their toys in clear bins so they could see what was inside the bins. They stack the bins outside the closet and don't put them on the shelves. I'm thinking trash bag is my next step. Organize Toys: fail.

8. The Shoe Rack: At least this one was cheap. I got sick of the shoes, so I went out and bought a 9-tiered shoe rack. It was plastic. And cheap. But it was supposed to hold a ton of shoes! So, I put it together, put all the shoes on it, and smiled happily... for a week. Then, it began to come apart at the spots where one shelf slid into another with a tab. I used duck tape. Then, it started falling over when people put their shoes on it. I picked up all the shoes and put it against a wall. Finally, it completely (I am not making this up) bent in half. The top of the rack was on the floor. I gave up. Shoe Rack: fail.

9. The Pool: This is the most recent, and the real reason I am thinking about all of these. Seriously, I'm not sure why I try. I always get this Better Homes and Gardens dream-scene in my head and I honestly believe it will happen that way. I had seen my friend's kids playing in the "easy set" pool the summer before (via Facebook). I looked up every kind of easy set pool and read reviews. Eric got permission from our "association" to have a blow up pool on our property. I picked my dream pool, and then got an email from work that I was getting a check for being a mentor at work! Pool--paid for!! So, I ordered the dumb thing. My friend has her pool on her cement pad, so I thought, "Well, perfect! We'll put that puppy right outside our garage!" Except, our cement pad is not a patio--it is a driveway. It is not a flat surface for a picnic table or chairs--it is a slight incline for draining rainwater. Juuuuuuuuust enough of an incline that the pool would not even fill up past the filter hook-ups, and was all pushing against one side. So, I put some blankets under one side. Nope. Then I drained the whole damn thing and started over. I used the foam squares I use at school for students to sit on to build a little ramp going the opposite direction of the incline. Made a little difference. Enough of a difference that I filled the stupid thing up again. NOT enough of a difference that we could use the filter or not worry about the side ripping. So, I am draining again. Except this time, it was not enough of an incline to even drain it. Seriously, I can't win. Yesterday, I went all around our huge yard, looking for mostly level spots. We own close to four acres, have more than an acre of yard, I figured there had to be something. And there is! Right on top of a sprinkler head. Blow Up "Easy Set" Pool: fail.

So, I give. I'm done with projects. There won't be a number ten (though I'm sure I could have thought of one). Apparently, karma doesn't work with projects. Having the best intentions does not equal the best results. As Cathy the cartoon character would say, "Aack!"

Now I've gotta go figure out how to put a 15X48 pool back inside a box...

Meijer Incident, 2016

I suppose the first mistake was the chips. I was trying to think of a good bribe, and so I promised The Littles (Ben and Becca) that, if we could get through Meijer without fighting, they could each have one of the small bags of "Lays classic chips" (as Ben says) that I would buy in a package for Ben's lunches. Maybe you're one of those fantastic parents who is able to get through your life without bribery. If you are, please know that I hate you. I, on the other hand, rely on bribery in times of need, and this was definitely one of those times.

Eric and I had a great thing going. We'd decided in January that Ben needed something to DO on Saturdays, so we signed the Littles up for swim lessons in Gaylord. I would go to swim lessons with the kids, and Eric would go to Meijer to get the groceries. We'd create the list Friday night, laying out what we'd have for dinner each night, planning lunches, trying to get as many of the essentials as possible on the trip. It was particularly great, because Eric is a quick shopper. In contrast, I take fooooorrrreeeeever, because I have to compare the prices of the three different options of cumin: This one is .75oz for $2.59, but this one is .95oz for $3.15. Hhmmm. Yup, I'm that ridiculous. I get out my iPhone, calculate the cents per oz. Literally, the CENTS PER OUNCE. And that's just one stupid item. Thankfully, Eric looks at the list, reads "cumin," grabs a container of Meijer Naturals cumin, and moves along. So, not only do we get to kill two birds with one stone--wear out Ben, get the groceries--but it's done in a timely manner.

Unfortunately, two weeks ago, Eric had a meeting. And our cousins were coming to visit. And I was going to a Tiger game with "the girls" on Sunday. So, we neeeeeded groceries, and Eric couldn't do it. We really should have just bitten the bullet and had one of us go to our local grocery store. But, Ben has his food issues, I have my food issues, we're just not easy to shop for. So, after swim lessons, I headed to Meijer. With Ben. And Becca. Did I mention it was after swim lessons? And that Ben was with me? And Becca? Not my best choice.

So, I took an already swum-out, exhausted (because not only do Ben, Becca and I have food issues, but we all also have sleep issues--we're working on it) and starving (yup, lunchtime) Ben and Becca to Meijer with the promise that, if there was not any fighting, we would have chips.

We walked into the store with the best of intentions. I asked if they wanted to walk or ride. Ben wanted to walk, Becca wanted to ride. We saw one of those gigantic, semi-truck carts with the seat for big kids. So, Ben decided he'd sit next to Bec, and we were on our way. Within--literally--seconds, it began.

Ben laid his arm along the back of the seat. He was not even touching Becca, just relaxing his arm.

Becca: He has his aahhm on me! I don't want his aahhm on me!

Me: He's not touching you. His arm is on the back of the seat. Let it go, girl.

Becca: I don't wannnn his aahhm dere! Take it off, Ben! (began to shriek) Take it off! Take it off!

Me: (maintained calm) Bec, his arm is not touching you. At this point, YOU are causing a problem. You are yelling. You need to stop yelling. Take some breaths.

Becca: (ignored me and continued with the tirade) Take it off! You (scratched Ben's arm) get (scratch) your (scratch) arm (grab) OFF!

Well, I couldn't let the scratching and grabbing go. To his credit, Ben sat there with a shit-eating grin on his face, arm casually slung along the back of the seat, and watched Becca melt. I tried using the quiet, close-to-your-face, whisper-between-my-gritted-teeth voice to convince Becca to take some breaths (In your nose, out your mouth. Watch, like this!), but she was too far gone. So, I unbuckled her, stuck her in the middle of the grocery part of the cart, and continued on my merry way.

For the rest of the grocery trip, I am sad to report, Becca screamed. At the top of her freaking lungs. In a shrill tone. Without pausing for a breath. I want chips. I want chips. I want chips. Stupid chips.

As we shopped, I got several encouraging nods, thumbs-up signs,  a few "Good job, Momma"s, and even one hug from other moms, who had clearly "been there". I have done the same to other mothers as they have tried to make it through grocery stores, hoping to be unseen. I'm glad, now, that I have given these bits of encouragement because, I promise you, I certainly appreciated them that day. But, as we finally left the store, just before we reached the door, one man undermined every positive comment I got that day. As our cart passed this man's check-out lane, he stepped into our path, pointed his finger into my screaming daughter's face. and condescended, "Young lady, every single person in this store is happy that you are finally leaving. I hope you know that."

I'm not sure I have ever been more surprised or angry in my life. I did not know what to say. If the man had said something to me, the ADULT who was really responsible for dragging this child through the store, it would have been one thing. But to reprimand my daughter--a CHILD--that was something different all together. I continued my cart out of the store, loaded my groceries, strapped in my kids, and, finally, thought of what I should have said.

I should have stopped the cart, turned to the man, and said, "Yes, I bet you are happy. I know she's made a lot of noise, and probably made your shopping trip unpleasant. But she is FIVE, and clearly tired and hungry. You, on the other hand, are a GROWN ASS MAN, and you should know better."

Actually, I should have known better. My kids were exhausted, and so was I. I never should have taken them to the grocery store that day. It was lunch time, and they were probably 'starving'. I probably should have at least tried to feed them first, not promise them food afterward. When we got home, and she had calmed down, I said to Becca, "You know, honey, you needed to take some breaths. Remember how we practiced?" and she said, "But, Momma, I couldn't." I believe her. If I had been thinking about my daughter, not my groceries, I would have realized that she was tired, hungry, five, and overstressed. I'm not saying I should have given her the chips. But, I do believe I should have pulled the cart over in the back, by the goldfish, taken her out, and cuddled her until she could calm down. I still shouldn't have let her have the chips, but I should have dealt with her tantrum, because she was beyond being able to deal with it herself.

Sixteen years into this parenting thing, decades of child development and education classes, I am still figuring it out as I go. Next time, I hope to do it better. That's all I can plan. Next time. I can definitely tell you this: I won't be promising anybody any chips any time soon.

Not Exactly Insomnia

It is true that, at times, I wake in the night. Now, if you're my Facebook friend, you know that, MANY NIGHTS, I am awakened by my youngest, who--for whatever reason--is fond of sleeping on our floor. Actually, she'd rather crawl back inside my womb and sleep THERE, or at least in my bed, but the most I'll tolerate is the floor. I've tried to break her of this habit, but I've resigned myself to just believe that she won't be 32-years-old, curled up in a ball on the carpet next to me. I hope. Anyway, I digress.

At times, I just plain WAKE UP. All on my own. Sometimes I've had a weird dream, sometimes I've had too much caffeine during the day, sometimes I think I've heard the kids or the dogs or a violent murderer in the garage. Whatever it is that wakes me isn't important. The point is, once I'm awake, my brain starts in.

Oh, this brain. It's great, really, it is. I mean, I'm fond of its sense of humor, I'm glad it has the talent of writing, it has some really great thoughts once in a while. But, geez, couldn't it take a little BREAK once in a while? Couldn't my brain actually REST?? Because, you see, once I'm awake, the brain starts thinking about things. About ALL the things. And worrying. And planning. And listing. And it just won't let me lie there. No, no. Nay, nay. I shall not be allowed the "turn over and go back to sleep." Nope, if it's not my kids or my dogs keeping me up, it is my very own brain. One night, way back in November, I wrote down on Notes on my phone all the things I thought about or did. I knew I wanted to blog about it sometime--because it happens a lot and is so incredibly ridiculous--but I was hoping that it wouldn't have to be THAT night. I was hoping just noting everything would make it acceptable for my brain to sleep a bit.

Now that I check my notes again, I see that, THIS TIME, I was awakened by the tiny, adorable, irresistible parasite who sleeps next to me. She needed water. So, I went to get her some water. When I left the bedroom, the dogs followed me out, because who doesn't enjoy a cold adventure at 2:00am? So, I let the dogs out.

As I watched them go down the steps, I saw that Carolina's nearly-15-year-old hip was still giving her trouble. She hesitated at the top step, waddled down that one, waddled down the next one, and I pictured her pointy face pinched in pain. I wondered what we could do to help her. Did she need a ramp? Should we give her pain medication? Would a trip to the vet help, or was this just the inevitable results of being hit by a car when she was four? Then, I thought about the blanket she'd been lying on in her cage. We'd had to start keeping her in a cage during the day, so she wouldn't pee in the kids' bedrooms (bless her sweet heart, she never pees in our room!).

I walked to her cage and bent to pull out the blanket and thought, "Man, my belly hurts!" I wondered what the heck it could be. I reviewed in my mind what I'd eaten that day. Nothing out of the ordinary. I hadn't eaten anything that wasn't from my house, so I didn't think I'd been "accidentally glutened". What could it be? When was my last period?

I checked the calendar. I couldn't find the LP with a circle on it from the month before. Great. So it could be a period, it could not be a period, who would know? Stinks being a grown woman, done with conceiving children, and still having the period of a fifteen-year-old. As I stood and stared at the calendar, I realized what day the Superhero Messy Church would be (Messy Church--kind of like youth group for your whole family--is always the first Sunday of the month). THE SAME DAY AS DANIEL'S BIRTHDAY PARTY. Great. So, the Messy Church that Ben would love and the birthday party of one of Ben's best friends were on the same day?! How would we deal with that?

I started to walk back to bed. But, as I went out of the kitchen, there was fluff (read: dog hair) in the corners in the kitchen. So gross. I bent down and picked it up. Ugh, Still belly pain. As I was throwing out the dog fur, I mean "fluff", I noticed the bag from the flax seed in the trash. Had I put flax seed on the shopping list? Over to the pen container I went, searched desperately for a pen, and settled for a highlighter (why we have a highlighter but no pens is beyond me). I wrote flax seed on a scrap of paper and stuck it to the fridge above the water dispenser. Water did sound good. I went to my bedroom--where both dogs and Becca were now sleeping soundly--and grabbed my glass. Got myself some water. Great, now I had to pee.

I went to the little bathroom in the laundry room. No toilet paper. Great. Went to wash my hands...no soap!

I went to our bathroom. For crying out sideways--we needed toilet paper in, like, EVERY bathroom! I went to the linen closet and grabbed several rolls of toilet paper. I put two in every bathroom upstairs (three of them) and two in the downstairs bathroom.  As long as I was supplying bathrooms, I'd better fill the soap. What had I done with the soap? I checked above the kitchen sink, below the laundry room sink, below the bathroom sink, in our bathroom linen closet... Finally found it with the laundry supplies. Belly pain. Ugh. Maybe I had too much Kombucha. Is that possible?

I filled the soap in three bathrooms and thought, "Hey, did we make Ben's lunch? We don't want to have to do that in the morning." As I checked the fridge for his lunch (yup!), I saw the cookies Eric had made me for conferences. Hhmmm. Maybe the belly pain was from the giant Pepsi and Reese's Peanut Butter Cup blossoms? Sure felt like a period.

Thinking of the period made me think of the calendar, which made me think of Emma's next counselor appointment. Had I written it on the calendar? I went to check. Nope. Hadn't written it down. I checked my phone for the date, and then thought, "I need to call Lisa tomorrow about Emma's neck." Speaking of Lisa, when was her birthday? Had I missed it? Wasn't it the END of November? We really should get together. Crap.I hadn't called Radiology either, which Lisa wanted me to do for ME.

I made some reminders on my phone. While making the reminders, I saw the "Find My iPhone" app. I thought, "I wonder if I can put the 'Find My Friends' app on my iPod touches at school? Oh, and I need to figure out how to get the charging port fixed on that one." More reminders on my phone. Oh, oh, oh, I feel like I'm going to have...

I ran to the bathroom. Good news, it was a period. Well, good to know. I got myself all settled and went to write it down on the calendar. Had I reordered my Dr. Nielsen meds? Better put THAT in a reminder on my phone.

Good Lord, it was 2:40 now. I might as well open a Gluten Free Doughnut Shop if I was going to be up at 2:40.

I went back to my bed to lie down. I snugglde into the covers, put my hand on Eric's shoulder, told my brain to knock it off. But then I thought, "I should check Emma's neck." (She had injured it during cheerleading.) No, no. Go. To. Sleep.

Suddenly, I heard a sneeze, and a light turned on. Ben was up, going to the bathroom. He sneezed again. I should really check his temperature. This is the time of year he always gets sick...

I checked his temp--99 degrees--tucked him in, and went to check on Em's neck. She was splayed across the bed like roadkill. I don't know how she sleeps like that. I nudged her, just to make sure she was responsive. She swatted at me and groaned. Good; no problems there.

Back to bed again. Snuggled into the covers again. Put my hand on Eric's shoulder again. 3:00. If I went to sleep right now I could get another two and a half hours. Ready, set...sleep! Had I written down the LP on the calendar?...

And that, my friends, is why I NEED coffee.

The Tree Incident of 2015

Low rumble. Longer, low rumble. LOUD rumble. THUD! Shatter, shatter, shatter! These are not noises one enjoys waking up to at any time of year, but especially in December.

I have to stop here and tell you, honestly, I pretty much hate December. Yes, there's Christmas. God took on human form in order to communicate His love to us. That was awesome, and I appreciate it, I really do. But do we have to get so CRAZY? The grocery store, the radio, and school, school, school, school. We're doing Christmas bulletin boards and Christmas Music Programs and making Christmas presents for our Parents and all the while telling kids to calm the heck down. Plus there's snow, then there's not snow, then there's snow again, and kids don't know if they need to wear shorts or a snowmobile suit out to recess. And we always get the flu at our house. Or strep. Or pneumonia. Somebody's always sick and Eric and I have to draw straws to see who's gonna try to get a substitute at 6:00am. Anyway, I digress. My point is, despite my birthday and Christmas both landing in this month, I hate December. And so, being rudely awakened by these sounds when it was ALREADY December was not a good thing.

So, the hubby and I were sleeping fitfully--dreaming of Christmas programs gone wrong and that one lady who called us on Christmas Eve morning to chew Eric out--when we heard the rumble, rumble, RUMBLE, THUD, SHATTER! We didn't move. We didn't "spring from our beds to see what was the matter". I sat up a bit, and Eric snarled, "What the hell was that?"

"I am assuming the tree, E."

"What tree??!"

Pause. "The Christmas tree?"

Bigger pause. "Shit."

Now I must stop and tell you a secret about my husband. During the day, he is incredibly thoughtful and generous. In fact, for Christmas, he gave me a jar filled with papers upon which he has written "Remember when...?" or "I love about you..." or "We're doing this!" and each morning of 2016 I get to choose one. He once bought a huge jar, filled it with jelly beans, and removed all the blacks, purples, and whites, because I hate those. He bakes cookies when he's alone with the kids and I have conferences. He looks up items and foods and people that no one even remembers me mentioning, and brings them to me. He is a fantastic, wonderful, superior human being. When he is awake. However, if you wake my husband up in the night, he is a completely different person. He's a real jackass; there's just no other way to put it. This is why I have always dealt with the kids getting up, etc, in the night, because, well, he'd just plain be mean. He really can't help it--think of it like bed wetting. My husband has night mood issues. We usually just work around it.

However, the night of the rumble, rumble, RUMBLE, THUD, SHATTER! we could not work around it. So, we both got out of bed and headed to the living room. Not good.

The tree, which we had artfully decorated that evening, had been carefully placed in the middle of the living room. We wanted it to be the focal point this year. We had put all the kids' wrapped presents all the way around the tree, put a rug over cord, and turned all the furniture so it was facing the center of the room. Somehow, this beautiful Frasier Fir had completely flipped out of the stand, and was now lying innocently on its side. Several ornaments had bit it when they hit the laminate floor, and were now shattered about the room. Presents' paper had been punctured, and water was pouring out of the stand all over the floor. It sucked.

This was not our first time to a tree tipping party. Way back in the '00s (like '06, '07...), we would get HUGE trees. Trees that we needed a step ladder to decorate. Trees that touched the top of our cathedral ceiling. They were beautiful. But they always tipped over. Yes, we tied them. They would just tilt on the axis of the fish line. Yes, we bought a better stand. They would just bring the tree stand over with them (which I'm not even sure is physically possible, but it happened). So, this is not our first horse and pony show with the tree being a disaster. We've threatened many a time to get the plug-it-in ready, artificial tree, but neither of us can seem to actually go through with it. We love the smell. We love the look. We love real trees. They just don't seem to love us.

Now, I did mention it was 2:00am, right? Well, I said it was night. I didn't say it was 2:00am. Let me tell you: it was 2:00. A freaking M. Eric began barking about getting towels, moving presents, sweeping up the glass. He started to untwist the bolts in the stand, attempting to free the tree stump. As we were righting the tree, he said, "How did this happen, anyway?"

Now, this may shock you, but I was not gallivanting around the living room at 2:00am, running circles around the tree, swiping at it with a bat or golf club. I was not jumping up and down next to the tree, seeing if I could get it to fall. I wasn't even near the tree. But, I know that Night Time Eric still blamed me, in that moment, for the tree being on its side.

Fortunately for me, as the words were still dripping from his mouth and landing in a pool of venom on the living room floor, the dog sauntered by. She was trying to be casual, gave a little wave of her giant, Golden Retriever tail, and kept her eyes specifically pointed away from our faces. Not a big gesture, just a little, "Hi guys, how's it going? I had nothing to do with this gigantic disaster. Nope. No, sir. I was sleeping with my head snugly under your bed. Yup. Minding my ooooown business.
Just wanted to see if I could help out in any way..."

Eric took one look at her submissive little face and growled, "Liiiilllllyyyy," deep and low. I haven't even seen the dog take off that quickly when FOOD is involved. So, now we knew our cause. We just had to figure out a solution.

Somehow, we were able to communicate to one another that we would upright the tree, I would hold it up, and Eric would screw the bolts back in. We did not, however, communicate to one another that A) Eric had to pee like nobody's business and B) I was feeling slightly lightheaded (if I get up, I have to eat. Doesn't matter what time it is.). So, we were surrounded by the tree, Eric was lying on the ground, snapping, "Hold it UP. No, UP. UP! Now move it this way. NO, UP!" To make matters worse, we had hidden those STUPID elves (we have THREE) in the tree. I popped one out and put it in the nearby poinsettia, where I would tell Ben it dove for cover the next morning. Eric said, "Seriously, that's your concern right now? The elves?"

I said, "Stop being so mean!" and he said, "Then hold the stupid thing up!" and I said, "I'm trying! I don't know what you want from me!" and he said, "It's two-freaking-twenty, Laura!" and I felt it. Do you know that feeling? It starts in my ears. They get fuzzy, almost like a bee is flapping its tiny wings against them. Then my cheeks feel hot, and slowly the feeling drains out of them. It was coming. I was going to have to say something.

"I'm going to faint."

"What? You're WHAT?"

"I'm going to faint. I am going to pass out. I don't have the tree. We're going to have to switch jobs."

"Seriously? Are you being completely serious with me right now? You're gonna FAINT? Good God. Fine. Fine. Let's switch, then!"

We switched. He held the tree. I put my head between my knees. It was ridiculous.

Then, I shimmied under the tree and screwed the bolts in. They did not seem tight, in fact they didn't even seem perpendicular to the tree, but it was standing, so I let it go. It was two-freaking-twenty, you know. We could fix it all the next day.

We filled up the stand with water, shoved the tree way over by the sliding door, scolded the dog, and went to bed. I'd like to say the next night's festivities were a simple fix, but they actually involved Eric making a SECOND drive to Cheboygan for the day, in order to purchase a new tree stand, and this was after two hours of me holding the tree-Eric screwing and unscrewing the bolts, Eric holding the tree-me screwing and unscrewing the bolts. At one point, I took the little plastic heads off the bolts, tightened them, then loosened them and put them back on. Dumb, dumb dumb, dumb. So Eric drove to Cheboygan and I slapped pajamas on the children, shoved them in their beds, and tried to clean up as much of the mess as possible before he got back.

When Eric returned with a seven-dollar tree stand, we did not have high hopes. There was talk of tossing the damn thing off the back porch. But, really it went up without a hitch. We redecorated, kept it by the window, blocked off the living room from Lily's tail by putting the ottomans (ottomen?) in her way. The tree still stands today. It is a Christmas miracle.

A week ago, I sat with Becca on the couch, we turned off the lights and set the tree aglow. I sang "Silent Night" and "Away in a Manger" and "We Three Kings" and "Once in Royal David's City". We cuddled and stared at the tree, and I looked at all the ornaments, each of which holds a memory for our family. It was so, so beautiful. I still hate December. I definitely still hate that tree. But tomorrow, as we take it down (so that Ben can return to a semblance of his pre-December self), a little piece of my heart will go with it. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

One Lump Or Two?

"Hi, Laura? Yes, we're going to need to do a repeat of your mammogram and then maybe an ultrasound to really get a good look. Okay?"

Sure. Yes. It is okay. It's okay because you have no history of breast cancer in your family. It's okay because you've never smoked. It's okay because you nursed two babies and actually had a breast reduction, which is supposed to drop your chances of breast cancer by a whopping 50%. And you have a wonderful friend who had an actual lump found, after her reduction surgery, which turned out to be scar tissue. It's probably just scar tissue. So, yeah, no problem; it's okay.

You make the appointment, tell your husband, try to see if the two of you can figure out a way for him to go with you. You don't tell most people--it's just not that big of a deal--and when you can't figure out a plan you say it's not a problem. You'll just go yourself; you'll be back before anybody even realizes it.

It's fine. It's fine. It's fine, until the actual morning of the procedure. You drive from the house to school and hear, "Fight Song" on the radio and the crying begins. You can't make it stop. The flashes of your children--as high schoolers, graduating, adults, parents--won't stop blinking before your eyes. You pull yourself together, your work day starts, your husband figures out a way to come with you. It's fine again, fine. No problem. It's just scar tissue, it's fiiiiiine.

On the drive, your brain explodes. Remember all the years of birth control? Does that increase your risk or decrease? You can't remember. And FERTILITY drugs. Good Lord, all the fertility drugs you took. Your crazy brain decides you want to be cremated. You definitely want an immediate mastectomy. You don't want to spend the last months of your life trying to fix something unworkable. You'll pull the kids out of school and travel and go do all the things you want to make sure they do. You'll eat octopus and sleep in a tent in the desert and run up the Rocky steps in Philly.

When you get in the room, your first scan is there and you see it. About the size of the dime, clearly standing white against the dark background. Even YOU can see it. You are numb. So, as the woman straps and squeezes and pushes and pulls you in the vice, you cannot stop thinking of your family. Of your oldest, in a suit, giving a presentation for her doctorate. Of your son, playing basketball in high school, raising his arm after an unintentional foul. Of your baby, ponytail swinging, trotting arm-in-arm with her BFF down the hallways of her school. Of your husband, the trip you plan for your first fall of retirement, going to Vermont to see the leaves. You hope he remarries. You also hope he doesn't. You think of your grandchildren, your kids' weddings, your husband's "old man laugh". You'll miss it all.

You wait in the chair, when she's finally done, and hold your breath. Never, not one single time, do you think of work. You had grown up telling your father "No man ever says on his death bed, 'Gee, I wish I'd spent more time at work,'" and it's true. You don't worry about what the students will do or the teachers or the programs... Your family is all.

"Okay, Laura. You did great. You're all set to go home! You won't need that ultrasound afterall!"

The chair drops from under you. The earth shakes. You head sings. "I, I'm okay?"

"Yup. You did great."

You can't wait to get home. To your kids, your dogs, your husband, your heart. Your story is there.

A Tootsie Roll Pop

A Tootsie Roll Pop. Just one. A single, solitary, Tootsie Roll Pop. I know what you're thinking. Aren't you the lady who preaches to parents about how putting your son on an all natural diet changed his life? Don't you tell everybody how hard it is, but how it's so worth it? Yes. Yes I am that lady.

Yes, I am the lady who writes down a website address and hands it out to parents all the time. I say, "Make sure you look into your child getting quality sleep and healthy foods before you start even thinking about medications." Yes, I am the lady who started making her own granola bars and reads the  labels on everything. I have two different apps on my phone to see ingredients in foods and to see the "grade" a particular food gets. I know the definition of GMO--I have it tattooed on my inner wrist (okay, that was sarcasm). I once diligently rubbed essential oils on my son's ridiculously stinky feet and soaked him in Epsom Salts. I am that lady. I acted "holier than thou" when my husband gave my son a glazed doughnut (oh, the corn starch!). Man, karma really is a bitch.

Because, see, I am that lady. Very much. I firmly, firmly believe that Ben's behavior is directly related to what goes in his mouth. There are things he says, movements he makes, actions he does that I just know HE HAS EATEN SOMETHING. It seems crazy. I know it does. Six-years-ago-me thought it was nuts. Now-me knows it is true.

But, what you may not know, is I am secretly another lady. That lady is a Mommy who loves her son "all the way to God and back a million, gazillion times." That Mommy took her son to the Homecoming parade Friday night and promised her son if he was good at the football game he could have a sucker the next day. Now, she wasn't thinking "Tootsie Roll Pop," but she wasn't necessarily thinking organic Yummy Earth sucker, either.

So, that Mommy got up Saturday morning and ruined her weekend. Ruined her son's weekend. Made a critical error. When her son looked at her with his beautiful blue eyes and batted his mile-long lashes, she gave in. She said, "Sure. Why not? Have a Tootsie Roll Pop." That Mommy looked at the ingredients on the side of the wrapper, made sure it never specifically said "corn starch" and handed her son a sucker. Because, you know what? That lady, that Mommy? She's sick of the Healthy Soapbox Lady. She's sick of checking every damn label and telling her son at a birthday party, "No, honey, remember? You can't eat that." The Mommy in me wants to tell the Healthy Lady to go to hell. She wants to say, "Listen, he's SIX. Can you let him have a little fun? How much can it hurt? Live a little!"

Fortunately, our son does not have the kind of "allergy" that can kill him. Fortunately, I can make mistakes like this once in a while; I HAVE the luxury of making a choice and Ben will not die. Believe me, that fact is certainly not lost on me.

But, damn it, I hate it. I have celiac disease. Or leaky gut. Or something. And I know that I can't eat gluten or dairy or carrageenan. But I am almost FORTY-TWO years old. I have had my fun at birthday parties and summer fireworks and parades. My son is SIX. When is his turn? When can he just willy-nilly eat what he wants and not worry? It's not fair. I know everybody has their own shit hid in a closet, and lots of people have worse shit than this. But, still, it's not fair. He's SIX. He's a little boy.

So, I gave him the Tootsie Roll Pop. And now he's been a heathen all weekend and I'm back and forth between crying for him and wanting to run him over with the car. And I just thought you should know, people out there that I give advice to. It is hard. I get it. Even the Healthy Lady makes mistakes.

The Last Night of Summer

T'was the last night of summer
And all through the house
ALL the creatures were stirring
Even the mouse (okay, so it's actually a gerbil, and there are two of them, but you get the point).

See, at my house, my husband and I are both teachers. And Emma is going into 10th grade (did I mention I'm old?). And Ben is going to be a FIRST grader. And Becca, well, Becca is spending her very last year at "Sherrie's school." So this night, this fragile night, I don't think any of us will sleep.

When I was young, I never thought about my teachers stressing about the first day of school. Honestly, I didn't much think about my teachers as actual people, even in high school. But, we do freak out. We really do. I knew a woman who told me that her father, a retired teacher in his nineties, still had first day of school nightmares. I hope I won't ALWAYS have them, but I bet I will. I still have nightmares about college--that I didn't attend a class or I can't find my classes--so I bet I'll still have the "I showed up late wearing flipflops and a ratty T-shirt on the first day of school" nightmare well into my elder years.

This year, I have the pleasure of a brand-new teaching partner. Not just new to me, but new to the profession. Remember that? Remember going to college, studying, doing all your projects, dreaming about your future job? Remember putting together a resume (sorry, I don't know how to type that funky little thing above the letter e in that word), a cover letter, sending out your wishes to prospective employers? Remember going to interviews and answering theoretical questions and hoping you didn't say something stupid? Remember finally, finally getting the phone call that you got the job?? I'm so excited for Erika. I'm so excited for her young, fresh enthusiasm to rub off on me. I'm hopeful that none of my old, dried up, tri-focal crabbiness wears off on her. Although, I've heard from former students that I have more of a reputation as being the kind of teacher who uses a pink cow potholder as a puppet and dances on tables when you get compliments from teachers. I guess it'll be okay if some of that rubs off on her.

So, this last night of summer, we are all pretty excited and antsy. We're looking forward to this year--to me working with Erika, to Eric working with two new partners, to Ben learning to read and add and subtract, to Emma getting college credit from a dual enrollment class, to Becca starting to speak clearly enough that we can understand her. I have to admit, though, that in all this excitement, I do have some sadness at seeing this summer come to a close.

Yes, the kids have been driving me RIGHT UP A WALL. I was an only child, so I had no idea how many topics two people could find to fight about. Wow. It's just amazing.

But, this was THE summer. The one that healed our family. The one that crushed us, then folded its arms around us and held us closer together. This summer, I stepped out of myself and looked at our dinner table and thought, "Yes, yes. This is what we've always wanted." This summer I laughed with my oldest and braided her hair and watched her true self emerge from the shadows. This summer Ben's top teeth began to grow in, and he began asking questions that let you know his brain has really started thinking about the world ("Mom, why do ladies shave their legs?" "I dunno, Bud. They're kind of not supposed to have hair on their legs." "Says who, Mom?" "Good question. Some GUY decided a long time ago. Definitely wouldn't have been a girl." "What guy, Mom? Jesus?" "No, Bud, definitely not Jesus. He wouldn't have cared about leg hair. Just that we love God and love other people." "Then I don't know why you care about leg hair, Mom.") This summer, Becca started riding her little bike with training wheels and running, running, running everywhere, and kissing her babies goodnight like a good little Mommy should. They all grew YEARS this summer, years I'll never get back. It's like washing the sand out from between my toes. I wanted it gone, but, once it is, I know the beach is really over. They were all in these places in their lives that were so frustrating, so annoying, so painful to live with... But now they're really gone, and we can't go back in time. They're not babies anymore. I love and hate that. I really do.

So, if you see me in the morning, I'll have that big, crazy smile on my face. I'll be excited about the new school year, about working with Erika, about my kids moving on. But, I may be walking a little weird. I'm going to try to hang on to one last grain of sand as long as I can.